Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

crummy love dream

I was wandering around my kitchen while making ramen this morning and i kept having this strange sense of melancholy but i couldnt quite place it. then i suddenly remembered the dream i had...

I [finally] had a b/f and we were living together. But it was more than that- i was deeply in love w/ him; we were soulmates. He was about to leave to go to work and i was giving him his goodbye hug. It was so perfect in a bittersweet kind of way. I was clinging to him for dear life and he didnt even seem to mind my needy desperation, possibly even loved me for it b/c it was a part of me and he loved me. And i was telling him that i knew we were soulmates b/c of the way we fit so perfectly together- how my neck fit so perfectly into the crook of his neck; and how we were magnetized to one another as if there were some intense force that gracefully drew us to one another. But i was sad b/c he was leaving for work and i was playfully trying to get him to stay just a little bit longer- the underlying message being that i wanted him to stay forever in our embrace. Then it occurred to me that with so much time on my hands (i dont think i had a day job, if i had a job at all) i might cheat on him. Clearly not b/c i didnt love him, but b/c i loved him so much. I couldnt bear to be apart from him, so i figured i could just have someone to take care of me while he wasnt there. Part of me wanted to tell him so that he would understand how very much i loved him. However part of me knew that he wouldnt understand. So i started to say it, with obvious and somewhat affected hesitation in my voice in an attempt to get his attention but also to show him how much it hurt me to have to say it. I then hung my head in shame and he saw that there was something wrong and sympathetically questioned me. I explained to him what was troubling me: how i could cheat on him while he was at work so that i wouldnt be alone. However, it was said in a joking manner and there was some issue of when i would have the time to cheat on him. so we set aside that issue altogether. All the while we had still been holding each other and i had succeeded in getting him away from the door in the kitchen and into the living room. But then he started to fade. [Still in the dream] I finally acknowledged that through this figment of my imagination i was merely acting out a fantasy. However i continued to speak to the embodiment of my imagined happiness and i willed myself to keep seeing him although it was becoming increasingly difficult as i became more and more concious that it was all pretense. Like waking up from a dream. Then i saw my mom standing in the kitchen/ living room doorway, observing me with my arms wrapped around the air, still speaking to my imagined lover as i clung to the charade of my fulfillment. I could tell she was worried but i kept going. I couldnt let it end. The apparition of my lover was fading out in front of my eyes as was the light in the room- at times he was entirely invisible. I think I asked him if he was coming back later and i believe he responded. But then my mother asked Who was coming back later and the light finally went out as i fell to the floor and responded "No one"



Latest Month

September 2010
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by chasethestars